unfortunate fuckingocus on Kenda Testing, testing 123

Okay, I'm back. It seems like the traffic has picked up and whatever incident is been cleared. I'm not really sure what happened. But anyway. Today was a day where I felt bored in the morning. I had a Heidi would have gone to the city with me and so would have liked and liked and liked to do the one of also. But I ended up going on my own. I don't really know what my problem is with boredom. I think it's too synonymous with sadness. I don't like being bored for a bored sake. I mean that the mind doesn't want to be bored, but it wants to have healthy distractions. I don't even know if I call it a distraction or healthy goal. I'm also sad about my work. I'm nervous about the change. I really hope that this effort to outsource Big If doesn't turn into writing on the wall for me. I mean I find it strange that no one in my team wanted to participate in the Big Give meetings. I did. I find it strange that some members of my team were so optimistic about this. So I'm just trying to make a necessary change. There's nothing to do with the people. So that's another thing that makes me nervous. I think it's naive. I really blame myself for being naive at one point. I have to really thank Heidi for letting me do this today. She has been very patient with my lack of motivation around trying to complete the nightstand project. So yeah. Anyway, I don't really know what else to talk about. I really feel like I want to talk. Maybe that's the problem. I don't know what to say. I guess part of me is really seeking positive attention from people. Whether it's online or people close to me. I don't know what to say. Heidi's brother just came and visited. That was really, it's always awkward when he comes. He doesn't really, he's very extremely awkward with people. He's nice to his friends, but he's really not nice to his family. Well, he's not nice to family who live a life that he doesn't want to live. He's nice to always reach family members. I dream of having another job where I'm more successful than I am today. But what does that really mean? It means that I dream of the attention. Why do I need the attention? I need to get external reinforcement for help. My own personal struggle, my effort to function and complete tasks. The mid-stuff, challenging emotions and feelings. I'm going to pause it there for a break.

So it's Sunday, August 8th and I'm driving on the Richmond San Rafael Bridge and stuck in traffic. I don't know why. I just came from spending the day with Miguel, Miguel Gonzalez, who was a friend of mine visiting from Spain. We spent the day in San Francisco, but mainly the Christie Field area and Fort Point and the Golden Gate Visitor Center and all that. So yeah, that's kind of setting the context. I have been encouraged by Lisa to do some more journaling or dictation and I'm trying right now. I don't really know where to begin. Why do I feel the need to talk? Well, maybe I don't feel the need. Why? I'm fatigued, exhausted. Tired of feeling fatigued and exhausted, tired of being confused, tired of being reminded of my own pain, tired of feeling the need to quell that pain. Tired of knowing that the pain is this slow, dull pain and that it never goes away. I see sirens behind me so this must indicate something has happened on the bridge. I'm going to pause this recording now to find out what has happened.