Testing, testing, one, two, three.

Okay, it is Friday, April 24th, 9.30am and I'm driving to Michael McGuinness's house in Santa Rosa. I'm just leaving the house now. It's like my first time really driving on the freeway since the shelter-in-place order which was mid-March. Obviously, I can't remember because my work ordered us home to stay to work from home. The day of big give, so whatever, I guess that's the 12th of March. But then the shelter-in-place order came that Monday for Sonoma. So yeah, this is my first time driving on the freeway. Getting on Sonoma Mountain now, a lot and nothing has happened since then. It just feels like we've literally been on pause. And my car is sluggish to start. But I'm sure this will do a good, just drive. Everything feels different, I... For those who have been out and about mobile because of jobs or whatever life situation they're in. This is just another day, but for me, I almost feel like it's a... Like I've come back from vacation, but something bad has happened. I'm still trying to figure out what that is. At this point, I think, at this time of day, I think there would be a lot of traffic right now. I mean, maybe not a ton, but a lot more than I'm seeing right now. I know what to do, I know how to get on the freeway and drive and everything like that, but... There's just this sense of... I have a mild anxiety about just... You know... Should I be out? But anyway, this is also a time for me. Well, so, you know, one of the things that have happened is that I've seen a new therapist I quit. Sharon Stern. And it's really a relief to have quit her right in hindsight. I realize that I was very uncomfortable. And I was trying to make it work. And I don't know what was happening there. But she would fall asleep on me, and I would get the feeling that she's judging me. And so, that just led to a more and more increased discomfort around her. So, I put it on pause, but, you know, I didn't realize that I was just... You know, my irritability wasn't decreasing. It was increasing. So, I just needed to find a new therapist. And so, that's what I'm doing. I've found Lisa Stein. And she's one of the reasons why I'm actually making this dictation now. She actually showed a positive reaction, as to none at all, to me telling her that I make my dictations. And so, yeah. I told her, you know, I would try to take time out of my day just for myself and make my dictations. And see. You know, because that's a good thing, obviously, but... Here I am doing it because I have an errand to run. So, I need to realize... The hard part is me actually saying, hey, you, you need this. It's good for you, not like the actual... The emotional therapy part, not the... Not the hey, you're the last one at the party. Now, let me talk to you, the kind of thing. And so... Yeah, I've got to work on that. I kind of wonder if she senses that I'm not enthusiastic. And I'm just making kind of... Stapents that sound like, yeah, I hear you, but nothing's gonna happen. So anyway, those are the big things. I mean, work is work, I'm doing the work. I've collected a couple cameras. I am absolutely certain. Well, the collection all started when I stumbled upon the camera in a... Literally, but I would call it jump dealer. Someone who had sold him... In 1920s, possibly 1930s. Contessa, coconut. As they say, looks us... Not just any kind of coconut, the looks us one, which is a tan leather. It was beautiful. When I saw it, I was like, that can't be true. I seriously see this. And when I saw the price, also, I was like, oh my God. Yeah, for him, that was a high price. But what he didn't know is people were selling it for three times as much online. And so, part of me said I need to save this camera from him. Because sitting on his shelf in the sun like that, not good for the camera. So anyway. That started, of course, chain reaction. My obsession with folders, and I was reading more about folders. And now, of course, my obsession with range fighters. It has increased. To the point where I... I mean, my obsession with folders started with... I'm in prison right there. Just to see if everything is getting recorded.

Okay, it's Friday, April 24th, 9.40 am. Now on the 101 North, driving through Kutani, about to get to the first Rona Park exit, which is actually where the exit that would take me to the junk dealer were about to come. And yeah. So one of the things that Lisa shared with me was an image about trauma and all the different symptoms of trauma. And it may have sounded a bit remedial or obvious, but it's more about exploring those symptoms and perhaps understanding, to what extent each one of those systems, symptoms is expressing itself, I guess, is prevalent. So like for example, today I wanted to talk about like explore one of the symptoms just to see really how far, you know, how strong that symptom is. And one of the symptoms was shame and I believe I look back, but I can't really look back. Without closing the note. So it was a delicate at least. Here. Her. Well, hers are different. I don't want to look down. Shame and worthlessness. Yeah, that was it. An undamaged. When, so if I talk about shame as in, when did I start feeling a shame to move myself like I have to sit there and say that I started feeling ashamed of myself after my father died. To me seems a bit like talking about the big bang. Okay, so it started then, but what caused it? Like I had, you have to know what shame is before you can experience shame. And I want to say that I understood what shame was at nine years old when I experienced it after my father's death. But why did I know what it was? I think I know what it was because of how, you know, good deeds and bad deeds were taught to me as a kid. I think I was pretty much taught to do good, good things happen, to do bad bad things happen. And that's a classic simplified, over generalized view of moral behavior and, you know, success in life that they teach you can. Or at least that they did when I was a kid. So don't hit your brother, that's bad. Obviously that's bad. I'm sure I felt something. Well, like take for example, you know, I had been, you know, my, I had not necessarily been an easy kid to raise. I mean, I've been a kid to year in first grade or the second grade of camera paper. So there was that. I broke a window, I remember at my preschool, I lived through Iraq, and I was mortified, I was terrified. I was terrified that, you know, I was getting in so much trouble, so I knew about getting in trouble. Um. I'm trying to find my eggs in here. So anyway, I remember feeling shame when I had to take swimming lessons and I was afraid of the water. And I was ashamed of myself for being afraid. Like, you know, I was ashamed that I wasn't going to listen to what my parents wanted. So that was that. I was ashamed of myself for wanting to wear the cross necklace. I was ashamed of myself for wanting to be Christian. I was ashamed of myself for wanting to drink, for liking the taste of beer. I was ashamed of myself for desiring and wanting the taste of bacon and pepperoni. My body wanted these things, my mind wanted these things. And I couldn't have them. I was ashamed of myself for thinking Muslims are ugly and Christians were beautiful. So I knew all that. So when my father died, there was a part of my emotional self that said, this happened because you are not a good person because you do these things. It was perhaps very subliminal or not subliminal but subconscious. You know, sat deep within the subconscious. I'm not really sure. But I think that's the source of, you know, like that is how I learned how to feel ashamed of myself. So prior to my dad's death, those were the things that led to my sense of self in terms of am I a good person versus am I a bad person. I've arrived at Michael Street, so I'm going to stop here.

Testing, testing, one, two, three...

So it's Friday April 24th, it's 10.20 am. I'm headed southbound on the 101. Just dropped off Michael's clamps, passing the Freedman's in a row, soft to freeway. I'm about to get to Rotarpark. And I was talking about how I had already learned what she was and experienced she prior to my dad's death. And now, as I think more and more about it, I realized that there was a progression of increased shame up to my father's death. So I had already been experiencing and knowing what shame was, whether or not I am pitted. Another case was my brother. He was sent to a Montessori School, while I was kept at a public school. It's quite possible that we were both tested and only he was accepted in a good way. But it was also my parents' choice that he goes there and I don't. So I don't know really what to make of that. It's quite, I don't know if they thought Toss needed a special school or if they thought Toss was too good for public school. Either way, it left an impression on me that I wasn't going to that school. And just because of the fact that he was going and left me thinking I wasn't a smart kid. I didn't deserve to go to that school and he did. I was very cognizant of how much effort my parents made to try and keep my brother happy. And expected my support in it, at least in some, I should be supportive of their plan in place to make him happy. I was also very aware of the differences in religion. I was aware that my mother was Christian and my father was a period I wasn't aware of that. There was a time where my mother and father both drank I remember specifically a time when we were in Houston. Prior to, I think when we had just arrived back from Florida. I mean, we were sleeping on mattresses at the time. I remember that was because we had just moved into an apartment. And my parents, I guess, were celebrating something. Perhaps they were celebrating my father's job or perhaps they were celebrating that we bought a new house. I don't remember, but there was a celebration and they were both having champagne. I knew it was champagne. They said it was champagne. If I'm not mistaken, I even had a sip of it. It didn't really matter because of my own. I'll give you a sip of beer a couple of years later. Even if it wasn't my parents, I was aware that a one side of the family is one religion and another side is a different religion. And so I was caught in the middle of this literally religious war. I think it came to a head or an end for that matter when I found the cross necklace in preschool slash kindergarten. When we came back from Florida, I guess for simplicity's sake, my parents put us both in the same preschool. I was a very bad preschool at that. I'll get into why it was bad, but I had basically found a cross necklace in the playground. I pretty much figured it was finders, keepers, losers, bepers. I liked it so much I put it on because other kids had it. I could be like those other kids. I think in some ways I wanted to be like those other kids because I was not comfortable with the differences at home. I think when my father found me with the cross necklace, I was like, I was found to be with the cross necklace in wanting it. I realized at that point that he had to start teaching us. That we were going to be Muslim children at that point. And he was going to be responsible for making us Muslim children. So he, I think that's when the lessons started. They were simple, hey kids, let's sit down. He bought a whiteboard, sat us in front of the whiteboard in the evenings and tried to teach us. He's tired at the end of the day. Wanted to teach us Arabic and religion. But there's no real plan for teaching religion in Islam. There's plan for memorizing Quran and the, you know, retelling.