Testing testing 1 2 3

Testing testing 1, 2, 3

Alright, it's 8.52 a.m. on Wednesday, February 19th. I'm on my way to work on the 101 driving through downtown Sinerville, the Tamil Pace Avenue Transit Center is down below. My traffic is bumper to bumper for some reason. I have no idea why. But so kind of starting this dictation to keep myself distracted from it and also to get some stuff off my chest. What happened today? Today, first of all, in the morning, I guess, I woke up at 6.40, Heidi was still asleep when I got out of the shower at 705. 705, kind of gently caressed her cheek to wake her up and turns out she was super groggy and sleepy and told her it's okay ahead. It was okay ahead and I mean, it wasn't that big of a deal but it was clear to me that she had not set her alarm and didn't want to. I need to figure out how to know this ahead of time so I know what I need to do if she's not getting her sleep. Well, that's one thing. That's what happened this morning. Nothing really other than that. What are you doing? What are you doing? So, of course, get over. Yeah, I'm really having problems with traffic today. Everyone's frustrated, it's moving way too slow. It's clearly something that's backed up at the Golden Gate and beyond the 580 exit and it's impacted traffic. Not cool. It's hard when you're on a route that is only impacted by a few traffic spots. You're not part of the main route. So, it's hit or miss. Okay, so what's been bothering you? I had a conversation with Matthew and it was one thing he said that bothered me. But, you know, I really have to look back at the whole set of events and motivations for talking and what I'm doing and all this stuff. It's clear that I'm trying to basically get him to like me. I'm placing some sort of, you know, lens on the situation and seeing his, you know, interpreting his body language and his lack of communication as I don't want to talk to you. That may or may not be true. I don't know, but I think maybe I went a little too far. He's very opinionated and he's very intelligent, which I respect and I want to learn from. You know, he's also, I can tell there's this tendency to hold back a lecture. And so I can see there's a strong judgmental aspect to his character and which would come out and, you know, let me lecture you on this. So, yeah, that's bothering you. You know, it's just like, so I, you know, I've heard him speak of anathem as, you know, one of the greatest books he's ever read. He's always talking to Stephanie and the two of them talk about writing and all that kind of stuff. I think he's also an English major, so that's also another thing. But, you know, I feel like I'm in the bit like Heidi's hope where I intentionally let my guard down because I'm not, you know, afraid to talk about who I am. Maybe I don't know, but I'm also kind of seeking a stronger camaraderie between myself and Matt. I think, I think with two art, I'm interested, obviously, in, you know, I don't want him to be like James. I mean, I guess it's good that I have someone like James who I feel like is always looking up to what I do. And someone like Rob, who looks up, but is also, you know, kind of doing his own thing. And I think Matthew, I kind of wonder if he thinks why he knows what he knows because, you know, he's just, you know, off to the races and not thinking about what the tracks made up. So, yeah, so, you know, his behavior makes me nervous, makes me feel like he doesn't trust me. And it doesn't help that he is so impatient in meetings and really makes me nervous when I talk. So, he wants us all, he'd rather be on a track. And sometimes I feel like he'd rather be on a team just like himself. You know, and so he'd like he wants to be on a team, but he wants everyone to be like himself. He's, you know, his own kind of frustration, but anyway. So, I bit on his bait. You know, I, that's how I see it. I saw an opportunity for him to, for us to just create some bonding because I was so tired. I was so tired of there not being anything there, but, you know, maybe that's not true. Maybe, you know, I just don't understand him enough. And this was my attempt, maybe, to understand him. It's difficult. I can definitely say that reading this book, Hannah, is probably easier than trying to understand him. So, that is that. But, you know, when I showed interest in Hannah, I started reading it. And I'm just being honest. It's really hard to read because it's so distracting. I want to know what words mean. I don't want there to be a lot of distracting kind of phrases and prose and everything like that. Because then you're limiting, I mean, you're limiting my attention span with your story. You know, it's one thing. Are we there to listen to a story? Are we there to listen to how great you tell a story? Is it story or is it performance? So, yeah. Anyway, so I was, you know, explaining how frustrated and, you know, he has to, of course, tell me, but it's so much, you know, I remember we, the conversation, of course, his favorite author is William Falkner. So he said the, you know, which me personally, I'd find it a bit antiquarian, although I am similar in the sense that I say my favorite author is Lauren Sturl. But if I were to really say who my favorite author today is, I mean, I would have to be either Casuo Ishi-Guro or Haruki Morokami. I mean, those guys know their shit. You know, and of course, they were influenced by William Falkner. That's inevitable. I think the phenomenon of, you know, memory and the modern language association or modern library association, I always forget which one. Of course, there's this hierarchy, you know. First, the lending library is created. The book is created. It's distributed to the masses and stories are off to the races. And so it's only a matter of time before, you know, the average person, average readers ability to kind of critique a story, you know, reaches a critical mass. And I would have to say that that's the case for William Falkner for that time period. I mean, and it creates this wall of history. And I don't mean a wall that creates a barrier to, you know, in some ways I don't think awards should be given. I think there should be a sort of like a contextualizing of people and saying, you know, yes, William Falkner reached the, a wide audience during his day. And, you know, he, he represents, the ability to tell a story. And, in a way that the actual performance of that story is a story in its own. In some ways, you know, I could argue that's what you hear when you think the sound and the fury. But, you know, there is no way, I mean, I just, I find it so frustrating when someone tells me, oh, you don't know the canon. How do you not know the canon? The canon is great. And so, perhaps you should reread the canon and then talk to me. And so in my effort to try and, you know, create a stronger bond with my coworker and maybe I shouldn't even be doing that. I feel judged. And I will say that I was trying not to judge Stevenson, but I think I was, I think he was probably holding back his, you know, he was holding back his kind of, I hope I wasn't making him feel insulted or anything like that. But I have to look and again, and kind of step in his shoes and try to understand what was his reaction to me. So you know, I started the conversation he didn't and I act like I'm just trying to know, but I probably am being a bit passive, a bit passive, aggressive about it because I'm not just trying to know. I think I do know and I'm wrong about it. And so that's a, to him at least, yeah. If you, you know, I'm sure he's thinking in his head, if you know great, if you don't know, don't say it. That's, you know, the way he thinks. So, you know, when he attributes the story to Faulkner, am I supposed to be like, you know, I mean, I'm sorry, Neil Stevenson is not Faulkner, okay. And I am sure he was influenced and I'm sure, you know, he's done some great things. But anyway. And so I am struggling with his idolization. So like, when I say I like Kazuo Ishiguro and Haruki Murakami, I like what they did with the story, you know, are they like superstars of literature? Well it just depends. Like, I mean, who you're asking. But does the average person on the street know who they are? I mean, you know, most people know Ishiguro, but they don't know his name. They know his movies. The movies that were based off of his books. And so that's really hard for, so if you were to say, oh, you saw that movie, well, that's the story I'm talking about. And so that's one thing. The other thing is, like, I don't expect that any author that I would appreciate will be super famous. So I'm actually, I would say more of an anarchist, and I don't even know if that's the right word. I'm more of a kind of a, I don't like popular fiction. So when it reaches a wide audience, to me, it has been diluted, even if it's a great story. The fact that a lot of people like it puts me off. And maybe that's my problem, but so be it, but yeah, that's the way I see things. So anyway, I'm getting close to safeway here and I gotta get some stuff for lunch, but there's also the, you know, I don't want to pull rank here, but like I've got two masters degrees. I know what grad school is like. Matthew, no grad school, unless I'm wrong, no grad school, college, you know, and here's someone who clearly is cut out for grad school, but it seems like he had some issues with it. And I'm blaming because honestly, I'm not cut out for grad school and I got two masters. And it took me two masters to realize that. But, and so when someone hasn't been to grad school and they talk like that, you know that they're, that, that's bachelor level discussion, you know, undergraduate level discussion kind of debating. Oh, you don't know this? You know, and I'm just sorry. That's, I had an economics professor one time in university Texas. He was, what did I, what class was it? It was microeconomics, I think. And it was the economics of, I remember taking world economics, I remember taking the microeconomics, but it was like focused on conservation. I think that's what it was called, but anyway, I remember that professor saying one time is English your first language. And I thought I was, I was so hurt by what he said that, and I know why he said it because my name is Mohammed. And if I make one mistake in the English language, then English must not be my first language. And I have to say that Matthew, his attitude really does, you know, make me feel like I'm talking to that professor. And I have to be cognizant of my reaction and not let my reaction, my emotional reaction dictate the future or any behavior that might change our working relationship. I think we have a good working relationship. And so I need to remember that. But, and I'm sure if Matthew knew that, I don't think in any way he would, he's intending that. But yeah, sometimes I do things, you know, I mean, I get upset about the things I do. And I off the cuff things I say and I don't realize it. So remember, the key here is, is you have to forgive those who hurt you because they may not even know they hurt you. And as long as you give people second chances who are basically good people at heart, there's no reason why they would ever be mean to you. I mean, our basic instinct isn't to want to be mean to someone. It's to protect ourselves and survive. And you know, if that means, you know, there's someone out there who can help us do that, we want to protect them and love them. So I obviously want to be, you know, I want that reciprocity there. Anyway, I'm talking too long at Safeway, I need to get my lunch and then go. All right, bye.