Testing testing 1 2 3

Okay, it's 5.26 pm Monday, February 24th and I'm driving home on 5.80. Got to pass Marina Bay Parkway and I just got off the phone with Heidi. Louis I, a principles award for kindness, great. People got a little jealous. Heidi looked up the score for the PAX program. It's 10 out of 10 and Ken O'Worth is 6 out of 10. Not good. What else? I picked up my friends for photo wall, the art wall and I'm looking at those in. Yeah. What else? Oh, sorry. What else? Oh, so I called Tostellan as I was trying to figure out how in the world was our mother able to see a therapist and admit herself or have herself admitted to a care facility from PTSD. That's what I don't understand. We were in high school so we had to be there. So anyway, yeah, she, I was a junior and my brother was a freshman in high school. And he, he reminded me that Stacy Wilcox was our essentially babysitter. We were in her care during those weeks. But I'm just finding it really, Tost seems to remember it like the back of his hand. So I'm going to have to just accept that. But I don't know. But yeah, the idea is that Stacy was with us. Apparently we went out to eat a couple nights where we tried to do what we never had before. Not really sure whether it's really strange because I guess mom had been seeing Richard the therapist. And by the time I was a junior, remember now, so he told her that really the best thing for me was to let me go. And remember because she didn't want me dating Shelby or she didn't want all these things that she didn't want. The only way to, you know, that he told her basically the only way you're going to kind of reconnect with him is to let him go. It was hard, yeah. I didn't want to be at home. I wanted to go out every night. I mean, I really go out. I just wanted to get her out. I didn't want to be at home. I've heard of feelings so much. I was in a pressing place at home. I just didn't, and I didn't know how. I did it, but I did it. I was away from home. My mother was just a prop in the family sometimes. So it felt like obviously she wasn't. She was a bigger part than I am to try and remember. The part she played because I can't. My memory says, you know, she was so much more significant. But the teenager inside me just wanted her to be a prop. I don't know what else to think about that. I don't know why I forget it. I'm forgetting because I've put it out of my head. I don't know why I'm putting it out of my head. Why was it so painful to accept this? I'm going to have to just piece it all back together. I remember we went to Colorado. I want to say when we came back from Colorado. That was when I met Shelby. I was in freshman. I was in freshman year. I practiced in a salt summer in the tri-out. There was one year. I went in the mory. I was riding my bike just like I did always to the Y. I needed to practice tennis. This was on the tennis team. It's right. I started school. My mom said you need to pick him up. I was going to be around things that did not remind me of home at all. It was one thing to be from the wrong side of the tracks. It's another to be in a school where that was. Sorry. I didn't. I was so insecure because I didn't know who or what I wanted to be. Well, in the beginning. I don't really know. I took everything personally. I have so many events in my life that. I was a traumatic time for me. Because of that, I tried to block out the paint. I just became very good at blocking out the paint. What does that mean? There's one. There's two things. I was in paint. I was blocking it out. I don't know what's worse. For the sake of living a painful moment or to be good at blocking it out. You can't be good forever. That's what I'm dealing with now. I'm just trying to remember why I didn't want to feel pain. You know, why was pain so ugly? Pain is a nightmare. Pain is not strong. Pain, yes. If I look back at all my toys, I loved being the cowboy. I loved so much. I loved evil, con evil. I loved GI Joe. I loved ninjas. I loved powerful things. Pain showed my weakness. I remember getting bullied. I got bullied when I was in preschool. I hated that. I was terrified of that. But I don't remember some kind of conscientious decision to assume a persona of strength. I don't know. I looked to scary things for strength, like... because they represent power. I didn't want people to come near my pain. I was just a kid who was dealing with getting bullied on a regular basis. I remember getting hit in my preschool, getting paddled. I was just a kid who was dealing with getting bullied on a regular basis. I was just a kid who was dealing with getting bullied on a regular basis. I remember paying attention to school. I remember being very hard to be to pay attention. I could make good grades. He's fine. He's not the best in class, but he's fine. I could be better than average to. But I mean... I didn't die. I don't have any answers to that. I just have evidence. That's what you did. I missed out. It's only way. I'm sitting here driving on the freeway. I have to focus, make sure I'm not distracted. I'll work. I've got to get the kids to be testing tomorrow. But other than that, I guess I'll sign out. It's time for me to listen to my book in the rail. I feel like deep-taking flight of horse right now.