Testing, testing, one, two, three.

Alright, it's Monday, December 16th. Looks like it's a nice sunny day. On the 101, going through Nevada, about to enter San Rafael at St. Vincent Drive. Yesterday was Toss's birthday. He was very happy to get the showbook game that I made for him. Yeah, that was an interesting experience for me because probably the first time I actually made something for him since, like the year that I made him the rockets cake and I believe that must have been winter of 94 after the rockets won for the first time. I think so, but maybe not because I made that cake in our spring branch home. I'm fairly certain I did and not in our the Satsuma apartment of Momlington. And in 94 I believe she was living in the apartment. Anyway, I was happy to hear that it made him happy. I have to admit it was a bit stressful because I was focusing on the table for Heidi and I had to multitask it. Trying to multitask in an area where you're learning is just challenging and not only that, I also had to manage expectations. I had to accept the fact that I wasn't going to finish the table by Thanksgiving. That was tough. I really wanted to get that done. It meant a lot to me to get it done by Thanksgiving, but it would not have been a good table and I would waste the money I spent on that wood. I also realized I was focusing way too much time on my little my crafting projects. I obsess a little over that. I get a euphoric eye. I don't really know. I believe I'm sure there's some kind of chemical in the brain that kicks off and that's what it is for me. When I'm in the middle of a crafting project that I like, it's really hard to overcome the effects of that in my system when other people need me or not only do they need me, I need other things for myself. I really have to learn how to pace myself there. That moment when you're in the middle of creating something and you feel wonderful because you see how it can be created and that thing can be yours, that thing in your mind which will eventually become that thing that other people like. I guess there's in some way people will, I'm seeking love and acceptance from others by creating. It's hard to pace yourself out of that because obviously I want it so bad. But I don't want to let on that I need it. That's two different things. Anyway, go back a little further here. I finally had a first session with Dr. Stern on Friday and Friday at one and it turns out my first session was right after, right before Gerald's session. That was a bit awkward for me because I'm not used to having a friend see me in such a, what I would consider a vulnerable state. And so yeah, and to be honest, not so sure he can fit that role. I have not, I have not, as I subconsciously say it, I have not tested him there. So he may or may not, I'm not sure. He certainly seems to like having me in a supporting role for him as he goes through therapy. But I don't know if it can be the other way around. I set a lot to Dr. Stern and I really need to process my expectations of her and the experience of her. For me personally, it didn't start off the way I wanted to. I accidentally and I neglected to remember the details of her email and I walked into her office directly without or the patient space without waiting to be called. I totally forgot. I was nervous and you know, she did as anyone would do, you know, ask me to wait outside and I totally forgotten and mess that up. But she didn't, she obviously, if I need to forgive myself for that. I am really very hard on myself. I don't know why. I don't know why I feel like I need to please her. I mean, this is a Dr. patient relationship. Her job is to help me through my process. So I have to remember that. Things didn't go my way. It's not a play. It's who I am. So right away that's got to be accepted. And you know, she did say it was okay. Don't worry about it. And so I'll, I'll, you know, have to keep reminding myself that. Anyway, you know, before I knew it, the essentially the 45 minutes were up and I didn't realize one hour session required, I guess 15 minutes of administrative time. But and I didn't realize that I would be cut off essentially when the time is up. But I understand there are other people who need to see her and she doesn't book two hour sessions. Um, other than that, she definitely asked a lot of questions. Not, you know, a couple of things, you know, she was, I was clearly trying to pick up on any cues she might give me in terms of like what she wanted to hear. But she was really good. And in fact, now that I think about an hindsight, not giving me any cues, I think I would have in some ways panned her to those cues. And would have presumed that they, um, implied or were communicating, you know, some sort of interest beyond the clinical sense. And there's my, you know, subconscious self, perhaps the child in me trying to play games to see if I can win, to see if I can avoid talking about the difficult stuff of, you know, or perhaps and just trying to protect myself. You know, of, you know, the worried I'm going to get hurt. I don't know how, but I don't know her. And I'm sure that inner self is trying to proceed with caution. I spoke about dad's death. I spoke about, you know, my first time in therapy. I spoke about the meeting my wife, you know, coming to California. And of course, I spoke about foreclosure and then eventually rebounding it by home. And then, you know, the joy of getting at home again, but the pain of having to learn that your wife has. Best cancer. So, yeah. And of course, after all of it, when I realized that I went through all that, we hadn't even talked about Alexandria. That was actually the first time I saw a different look on her face. I did not know if it was a look of surprise. I didn't know if it was a look of shock. But I did see a different look. I wasn't necessarily worried, but in some ways it reassured me that I've had a difficult life. I think her look, the shock that it had on her face, definitely glued, you know, gave me some, like, I don't know why, some irrational thinking that made me I mean, if she were to just calmly accept that, I guess, I would have been a little bit of a shock. I don't know. It's not routine. You know, I don't think this thing happens to people that much. So, maybe, you know, there's a part of me that feels like, yeah, I'm special because I've had shitty life. So, you should pity me. But only on my terms. I don't know. That was the only reaction I noticed. A couple other things of note. She emphatically, as much as she could, he emphasized, Heidi is not the one to handle my problem. She is not a punching bag. She is not my doctor. She does not have the training or the skills to give me the care I need. So, stop assuming that she has them. And stop expecting them from her. I think this will definitely get her some breathing room. And I can actually accept the fact that I should receive this care from someone who's trained. And we'll get better care because, you know, I love my wife. I love Heidi. And I don't want, and it interferes. It's a distraction from the care. So, it's really, if you think about it, it's impossible. So, that's another thing. In addition to that, you know, I told her how I was angry at my father in some ways. Exposed a, perhaps an artifact from my previous therapy sessions with Richard, who wanted to tell me the whole time, but he was telling me that I was angry with him, that I should accept the fact that I'm angry with him. And I'm really not sure how to receive that because I, if I'm angry with him, there is definitely, it doesn't feel the same way when you're angry, with like a coworker or with a loved one. But just, you know, if you feel anger towards a parent, it's really hard to kind of navigate through those that amazing emotions. And I'm not so sure. And she, well, for the first time in my life, was telling me, why are you saying you're angry? And so, maybe she knows something about some therapy technique. I don't know, but she didn't necessarily agree because he had no control over his death. Maybe he did. Maybe he did. I don't know. I could say now, in hindsight, I could be angry at him or not taking care of himself and not putting his health as a top priority. But, you know, in some ways, I'm no different. I can easily neglect to take my medicine. Yeah, I mean, I didn't even want to go to the doctor. So, in some ways, you know, I am now walking in his shoes, seeing how one can neglect their own health. So, you know, these are really interesting aspects of the session there. They're giving me a lot to reflect on. They're actually opening up doors that I didn't really know where they are. It feels, I'm optimistic. She told me to consider a more active lifestyle, where one that considers exercises part of my day. I think this is before I told her that I walked four miles a day. But, yeah, it really remains to be seen as to whether or not those four miles constitute an appropriate workout for someone. So, I'm going to, and so I think we mutually agreed that I should get some kind of a fitness device to tell me whether or not it's working. So, I got an Apple Watch. And, of course, I don't know why I do this. I think it's the fear of change, but also the fear of my own desire to want things in life, material things, things, and then these things I have to maintain. But, yeah, I'm not so sure. And just the anger at these companies for selling me things that I'm not so sure I need. But, in the end, I gave in and I bought a watch, but thanks to Ben for hookin' me up with the discount. And so, I got to get him some feature. But, uh, so, yeah, I got the watch. I set up the activity tracker. I set up the sleep tracker. For a night that I thought I didn't have good sleep, it was saying I have average sleep, which is not bad. That's promising news. You know, I'm also taking my medicine before I go to bed. Excuse me. And it was a night where you even had a night screen. I mean, I had Black Cherry Vanilla, which is like this safest thing you can have. It was only 290 calories versus 190 calories of no sugar for no one. So, for 100 calories more, I could actually have a decent night screen. And that was my first real sweet treat that I've had since Thanksgiving. So, yeah. Um, now basically in El Cerrito's Slash Albany, Central Avenue Exit is coming up. Yeah. So, what else? Yeah, the watch started measuring my steps. Oh, yesterday, yeah, we went to the Exploratorium. Heidi got to see Jen. I have to admit I was worried Heidi was going to tell Jen about our situation. I'm not so sure if she did. She didn't tell me. Right now, I guess I don't want to know.