Favorite Texas Sayings: Dumb: If dumb was dirt, he'd cover about an acre. If all her brains were dynamite, she couldn't blow her nose. He couldn't find his butt with a flashlight in each hand. If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea. He couldn't pour rain out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel. Sharp as a mashed potato. Crazy He don't know if he's a-washin' or a-hangin' He's got a big hole in his screen door. She's a couple sandwiches shy of a picnic. The porch light's on but no one's home. Her phone's off the hook. He lost too many balls in the high weeds. He's overdrawn at the memory bank. Weather: So foggy, the birds are walking. Texas has four seasons: drought, flood, blizzard, and twister. That old saying isn't far from wrong. Because of its sheer size, Texas experiences all kinds of weather -- sometimes all at once. Out in West Texas, the weather can be drier than the heart of a haystack and windier than a fifty-pound bag of whistling lips. A duststorm is dubbed "Panhandle rain." Thunderclouds might bring some real rain -- say, a real gully-washer toad-strangler. And, all over the state, it's hot -- darned hot. How hot, you ask? Hotter than a stolen tamale. Hotter than a honeymoon hotel. Hotter than a fur coat in Marfa. So dusty the rabbits are digging holes six feet in the air. The wind's blowing like perfume through a prom. So windy we're using a log chain instead of a wind sock. Talkative: She talks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty. She could talk a coon right out of a tree. He's got a ten-gallon mouth. She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth. He blew in his own words. Nervous: Skittish horses have inspired many an equine expression. Consider "He won't stand hitched" or "She's chewing her bit." Other apt examples: "She's so nervous she has to thread her sewing machine while it's running" and "He's as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rockers." But one saying in this category reigns as the undisputed classic: "Nervous as a whore in church." He's grinnin like a mule eatin cockleburs Jumpy as spit on a hot skillet. Calm as a june bug. He makes a pressure cooker look calm. Hotter than a burning stump. He'd worry the warts off a frog. He'd make coffee nervous. Scared: He may not be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways. Yellow suits her. He's as yellow as mustard, but without the bite. Scared as a sinner in a cyclone. Scared as a cat at the dogpound. If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight. There's some overlap with expressions for "shy" and "nervous," but the "scared" list includes such gems as "She wouldn't bite a biscuit" and "She backed out quicker than a crawfish." A saying as as old as the state itself is "He's first cousin to Moses Rose," a reference to the man (also known as Louis Rose) who has long been said to be the only coward who fled the Alamo before the seige. Happy: Happy as a clam at high tide. Fat and sassy. If I felt any better, I'd drop my harp plumb through the cloud. I'm cooking on a front burner today. She's got a lot of stars in her crown. Fine as cream gravy. Say you're an expatriate who just moved back to Texas. Upon your return, you might be "happy as a hog in slops" or "happy as a boardinghouse pup." More convoluted phrasings include: "The greatest thing since...(apple burr to bare feet); "She took to you like...( a buzzard to guts; a sticker burr to bare feet)"; and "I haven't had so much fun since...(the hogs ate Sister; the legs fell off Nell's hamster)." Try using one of these, and your spirits will rise like a corncob in a cistern. HOT: Hot as a billy goat in a pepper patch. So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs. Hot as a summer revival. Hotter than a honeymoon hotel. Hotter than a burning stump. Hot as a pot of neck bones. Need a Texas-ism to describe the heat? No sweat. There are dozens of steamy similes for summer suffering (not surprisingly, there are far fewer for winter weather). How hot is it? It's hot as the hinges of hell; hot as a two-dollar pistol; hot as a stolen tamale. It's hotter than whoopee in woolens, hotter than a preacher's knee, hotter than a fur coat in Marfa. See? It's easy to get hot talk down cold. Lucky: She could sit on a fence and the birds would feed her. They tried to hang him, but the rope broke. He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck. He always draws the best bull. He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels. Immoral: They call her "radio station" because anyone can pick her up, especially at night. He'll take up with any hound that'll hunt. Loose as ashes in the wind. She's just naturally horizontal. He was all over her like ugly on an ape. They're hitched but not churched. He was born on the wrong side of the blanket. They ate supper before they said grace. Big: Big as all hell and half of Texas. He don't care what you call him as long as you call him to supper. So big he has to sit down in shifts. Fat as a town dog. His butt looks like two hams in a tow sack. He's all spread out like a cold supper. Boastful: He's shot more buck deer in that bar than any other man in Texas. She's got more airs than an Episcopalian. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse. He thinks the sun comes up just to hear him crow. He's all broth and no beans. He broke his arm patting himself on the back. Mean: He broke bad. Meaner than a skilletful of rattlesnakes. So low he'd steal the nickels off a dead man's eyes. She makes a hornet look cuddly. Meaner than a junkyard dog. He'd start a fight at the drop of a hat--and he'd drop it himself. Ugly: He looks like he was in the outhouse when the lightning struck. She's so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road. He's so ugly his cooties have to close their eyes. So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn't have to kiss him goodbye. She looks like she fell face-down in the sticker patch and cows ran over her. He looks like the dogs have been keepin' him under the porch.