Alright it's Wednesday, February 24th, 8 a.m. I'm walking on the sidewalk next to Kennellworth Junior High and I'm gonna do a little dictation on a walk. I have to give a little video message for a big give and yeah I'm not feeling comfortable right now. Which is why my voice sounds tense I think. It's a combination of two things. One, just doing this video message makes me nervous. Two, I don't know why but well I do know why but I guess I'm just don't know why I can't stop from feeling this way or can't prevent it but I just react when Heidi criticizes. Now I use this word so strongly and it's she's really just doing what she thinks it's just talking through and offering support. All I said was I got to give a part in Arabic and the first thing she says is call my parents and because you know you can't say it's I don't know how to say go bears in Arabic and and it's true it sounds weird. It sounds like you're talking to a physical animal telling them to go away from me so it doesn't really work but and of course they're debating over which way to say thank you and it's got really overwhelming. I think I'm already nervous about having to do this given my time constraints and already the work that I have to do. I mean I I was sad to hear that Christina couldn't get other men to do this so I told her I would simply because I didn't think that was right. So that's essentially why I'm doing it. I don't want to do it. I actually don't even want to be considered but that's my insecurity and shyness talking. Obviously the part of me that is giving in and saying yeah I'll do it is the part that believes I need to overcome that and the part that shared what I wanted to do with Heidi and Hella was the part that kind of felt oh I need some support on this or I need to share it share that I'm doing this. I don't know. There's a tiny tiny drop of feeling special but I don't really feel special about it. I'm just trying to really talk through my emotions here because I want to get them out before I actually make the video. I mean I don't want to appear like I'm struggling to show that I'm being happy or that I am happy. So yeah yeah. Obviously this is not a big deal it's going to be like 15 seconds in a one minute thing. So most people are doing it like here let me throw on a shirt and just make a message and and move on with my day. Here I am trying to think how to stage it and where to go and put a luma. I mean it's not a big production. yeah I don't know why. I mean I do know why it just I try to speak Arabic. I feel extremely insecure speaking Arabic. I don't know if I would feel that way speaking Spanish to someone because I barely know Spanish. I mean I don't speak Spanish either. I mean I can tell you I know how to order a coffee. I probably know how to order 60% of things on a menu in Spanish but I don't. I just don't like appearing in any way inferior because I feel that way so strongly anyway. So yeah. Or weak. You know if you don't know how to be understood your weak like your child like and And... So anyway, that's how I feel. I don't know if this is gonna help. I mean, I just got to think about how this video is gonna help. I mean, obviously there are those out there who need to see other people participating. But anyway, I'm gonna pause the video right now. I'm just rambling. Pause the recording.
Testing, testing, one, two, three.