Alright, it's Friday September 24th, and it's 8.20 am. I'm driving on Corona Road towards the Dovey Road so that I can on my way to the Magnolia Park. I'm gonna do some eating with the dam and trying to do some journaling even though it's technically not handwritten journaling. It's a kind of dictation to start. Right now I feel like that I have the I don't know which you call it. I mean I'm excited but I'm also there is a slight level of anxiety. There is a competitive athlete at me that really activates. I don't know if there's the same thing or blending or two different things but it really does activate the part that's like a critic and wants me to perform well but it really doesn't get activated until I make a mistake so when I first get out there I don't really not activate it until I make a mistake and if the mistakes are often enough it will get significantly activated. And perhaps this protector is also distracting the actual my ability to focus and yeah sometimes it feels like really hard to focus when the protector is activated and so I need to figure out how to tell the protector take a break buddy. It's a good thing that I'm hidden with Dan. He's a nice guy. He's a real sails around him but also he wants me to kind of challenge him so that's a part of me that feels like I've got to do some more. But he also knows what it's like to have to come back from a major crisis in one's life and keep a positive attitude. So I have to actually mean aside from the you know moaning and groaning about a shot or his running ability all that stuff he got a good attitude on the court. They should also you know kind of use him as a mirror. Like if I think about what happened last time I was was not trying to serve so hard and all my serves were my my percentage was much higher but but I mean like I say my service vulnerable to attack the counter attack. But what am I getting? How does the how do I feel relaxed up there? I mean there are times even when I go for a non-competitive purpose and I don't feel relaxed. I think I'm always reminded of that moment when I was myself lured into sports. Part of me thinks that yeah maybe maybe my dad wanted me to play sports because it was the emotional outlet for me to be struggling to help me find you know growth. Maybe he could tell that I was frustrated. I mean he could obviously tell that there was a problem he didn't know what to do about it but and I mean that's just a theory you know I mean but also there's a soccer league he loved soccer. He actually did like teaching me things and soccer was one of them. So and he had fun like I need to remember the moments when he and I were just in the backyard playing keep away you know I mean he would sit there and say you know I was such a good player but the minute he pitted me against others who were clearly better either faster or they had more skills or they could kick the ball harder you name it but that to be expected. I started to feel let down because it was confusing. What was I supposed to do with the situation where my dad told me I'm going to coach you I think I just took that for like yeah you're so good I want to be your coach. Instead it was perhaps you know you've got all this pent up emotions perhaps around just what it's like to be a boy in a text school dominated by teachers who expected only behave and act and learn one way to being the new kid to not knowing what to your religion in to yeah a bunch of things to having moved from Florida to having a younger brother who stole your parents' attention all the time. I was no less frustrated than my own son was that at eight or my daughter you know who also has this you know internal desire to kind of release and express ourselves through physical activity but how does it feel to be on the court to be out there by yourself you have to learn to feel comfortable out there just feel like okay I'm gonna try but I may not be perfect at it and if I get what appears to be positive advice take it don't uh I need to uh close it now and uh yeah