It's a Wednesday, February 1st, 5.06 pm driving on Richmond, Santa Felle Bridge. And I think it's probably better than I do some dictation here to clear my head. I have a lot of thoughts in my head and I feel like they're unresolved. Sometimes I feel like my interactions with people do not genuine, not my dreams help them. I'm activated or blended. I just say the wrong thing. I just want to talk that out. Really just reassure myself that it's okay to be my true self. Where do I begin? Well, a couple of things have been on my mind. Over the weekend I went into work and I forgot that the building was closed and so I figured I'd lost all my way into the building. When I saw that someone was holding the door open. I was taking a back when I was told by another UC staff member that you can only open the door for these gifts. Even though she didn't say that, she said, just your card give you access. I clearly got asked for after hours to access it. I just didn't like the way this person was speaking to me and it's clear that I'm kind of... There's a gap in terms of what I expected. I expected another staff member to trust me as I'm another staff member. I didn't like it even further when she asked to take a picture of my ID. I showed it to her anyway and in that process I was telling her, you know, been here for a long time. Over 20 years. She proceeded to tell me, well, I don't know you. Those were her exact words and that hurt. I didn't really clear at that point that I didn't like the account. I have this expectation or this assumption that people who work at Cal are happy and they trust other people who work at Cal. They don't. I didn't realize that and in fact it's women was very stressed out that I was there forcing her to do something that she felt she shouldn't be doing. I have to work at perhaps. Understanding, you know, other in that moment I might have had to accept that. I was trying to do two things. You know, to keep my family access to the bathroom because they needed to go. So as part of the father and the other part was like, well, my headphones are there. I paid a lot of money for those AirPods and I was worried that they were stolen. And on top of that I was making up stories in my head imagining if I ever came across this woman again, what I would tell her. I wasn't even going to tell her the truth. I was just going to tell her that I needed medicine. I was just tired from having to drive all the way into campus. I was kind of beat up to a risk and I probably shouldn't have taken that risk. I was being perhaps impulsive about getting my headphones. Yeah, I needed to be more patient. And they were fine. They were there. I mean, honestly, no one was going to take them. So yeah, you need to be more methodical. I have a tendency to not handle transitions where I go from hot to cold. And in that process, it's just a shock. I lose focus. I lose my ability to remember I need to be much more organized in an effort to kind of handle these transitions in a more orderly manner. So that I don't lose it. I mean, I wouldn't, I was kind of blaming myself. So desperate. In fact, I would say that I was actually trying to please be impatient part of me. Yeah, and that impatient part just had to have what he had to have. So yeah. Anyway, I'm hoping that this exercise is helpful, not really sure. And I hope that these dictations that just realized we make good people don't have access to these dictations. But they might. Anyway, that's another topic. So yeah, what else? So I'm going to focus on staying present with my true self. I feel impatient. I'm not present if I feel like I have to do something. Something's missing. It's almost like, yeah, something's missing. If I feel an appetite, I'm not my dear self. I'm going to pause for now because that's all I have.
Alright, it's 5.20 pm and I'm just passing Rollin Drive with the Exit Dennis Cosco and Lord Strupp Rack. Same day. I figured I need to just run through my head, you know, what's going to happen at home so that's not caught by surprise or anything. No one's at home, the house is going to be very busy. It's going to feel chaotic. The TV will be maybe on, although I may have been taking Leila right now to dance. Not really sure. But, and Karim may be working out so not sure. But if Leila's home, she might be watching TV or I might be watching TV on the couch. So that will be very distracting. And, you know, everyone will greet me and I'll feel overwhelmed because I don't have the time to transition. They have very slow transition. But I've got to remember that, you know, I'm a father in this house and a husband. You go on a TV or you go miss me. I can't let my, I can't let that affect me at first. I'm getting distracted because I'm looking off at what appears to be Sonoma Mountain. I'm crossing over the kind of pond that is formed near the Blick Institute. And I see that the sunset is hitting this one building on the mountain. I can't, it has to be a building. And it is shining like I've never seen it. I don't know what that is. But it's clearly a glass building. And it's kind of interesting. Looks like there's this big gold temple on top of the mountain. And I want to remember it because it'll give context to what I'm dictating here. So yeah, I don't know what else to say. A Korean might be home. They might be working out. And I've got to remember to be more compassionate around picking him up. And not overreacting to the fact that he simply can't plan his workout very well. I would appreciate it if he could plan his workout better. But yeah. Either way, I'll do it. Actually, he might not be working out if he went to tennis conditioning today. So yeah. I'm also distracted by this mom driving next to me in a Subaru SUV. She clearly reached over and had both arms tending to her baby or some food or something in the back. And of course, that makes me very nervous because all I think about is. What if she lost control over vehicle and it would be her and her baby in an accident? So anyway, what else is on my mind? Jerry just texted me today and said he wasn't coming. Said he was not feeling well. Kind of sucks, but I don't know what to do about that. He's got his own life. He didn't plan this trip perfectly. Maybe he felt someone else stay with. It doesn't really matter. Heidi will be happy. She didn't emotionally ready to host. I don't know what else to say. I feel like I'm just talking to keep myself from getting bored. Sometimes I feel like listening to audiobooks is really just putting my brain on distraction mode. I don't want to do that because I distract myself a lot so that I don't have to pay attention to myself. I don't have to pay attention to the fears that are constantly going through my head. Or I don't have to pay attention in general. But that's weird because I have to pay attention to an audiobook. Yes, I do, but it's a different type of attention. Anyway, that's bad. I can't really think of anything else to say right now. I was thinking about my parents' story again a little. Maybe I'll do some more dictation on that in the next audio clip.
So I just had, well first let me contextualize it's 5.30 pm now. I want no one to want to hit it in the south. I'm just passing the Novato Airport that's near Nixon-Holum-Cali through the plane. I don't know which is the whole thing. Trying to land. It's amazing how it can land with all that kind of a flood. Water is still there. Passing the solar panels and the junk is in the distance. There's a really nice sunset. There's still blue in the sky. There's a weird, looks like it's a haze from air pollution. But it's actually creating a nice tonality in the sunset. And there's a red and orange still present in the sky. But anyway I wanted to talk about what the continuation of the story I call familiar is. I'm introducing Florence as a young girl through the perspective of a crow. The crow isn't any crow that's known to her area. It will be an African crow. It will die in front of Florence. It will invent that, you know, witnessing that crow's death will permanently affect her in terms of waking up to somewhere. It will be a transfer. The crow will embody her. The spirit of the crow. And at that point that will begin her fascination with seeking out, seeking to journey beyond, you know, where it all ends. And to find one, where this crow came from, and two, where she wants to be. And just like, you know, what could have caused, you know, do I think now obviously I could write it the way my mom told it to me, which is, you know, she read the weekly, weekly reader in one day, well, you know, as an exercise in writing she wrote to several different people that she had been connected to by the 10 friends of the international society. And that's obviously very practical in some ways. Just the standard retelling of the story. I would like to really characterize what was happening, you know. There was a transfer. And so we can look at a photograph of another place and be taken aback by its exotic beauty. So much to the point that we want to consume it and own it. The only way we can do that is to, well, some people just, you know, put that tangible objects and feel like they own something. But others may perhaps, you know, put that knowledge and feel like they've become an expert in that place even though, but ultimately, I think what goes without saying is that most people will consider that if we're talking about a place, that if you've been there that gives you some standing. And so really what had happened was that she had, you know, that page, that image really flipped the switch and transferred this deep desire to leave. And she had a desire to leave because honestly, she could feel that her family, that her home, that the place where she lived wasn't the place that she would test and to be in. And one minute I can argue that this transference or this possession of knowledge, what is it exactly? Well, maybe that, you know, it was also something that could describe. It's like, you know, on our way home from school, see past the pawn shop and in the pawn shop with a postcard for Egypt or a cheap, aftree. You know, maybe it's something she could have afforded. I don't know. Now, what would have happened to her that would have kind of spoken to the other ways of kind of possessing a place, you know. Egypt, there could be a party with an ancient Egyptian theme. Not really sure what kind of party it would be, especially in that part of the world. Not like they were really loving ancient Egypt in West Texas. And so, yeah, I don't really know. The Royal Road to Romance, again, was a popular book at the time. And it could also, you know, demonstrate that one of the ways to acquire knowledge is that you have to travel. Well, she was also next, you know, if I placed her out of La Mesa and into Lubbock. In fact, if the story is a series of flashbacks throughout the time that, you know, she threw all the kind of moments that she, that really contribute to her story. And then maybe, you know, that, yeah, it's almost as if we're in her stream of consciousness. And we're, we're, it's a retelling before she leaves and never comes back. And in some way, they could start the story off in Germany in Berlin, because, you know, she would be preparing, but that's too, yeah, you can't really be in Lissier and West Berlin. And the museums, well, she could look at the Nefertiti bus of Nefertiti. That's one thing, but it could be even better if she were in the British Museum. So yeah, that's another possibility where she's kind of, you know, well, now this is making me think into another tangent. I want to create a new audio file for it, something focused on the book of the dead.
So it's 5.43 now and I'm on a mountain parkway. I have maybe two or three minutes to get to down but what if you know she had you know this trip this journey is the death of Florence and the birth of the wife of for lack of a better term let me think of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a better term. Oh god I'm trying to think of an ancient Egyptian name but you know the wife of some some Egyptian who would have an ancient Egyptian sounding name but it would be obviously contemporary and it's from that point on she would be known as his wife and in the story we could distinguish the two but in some ways this is that moment where you know she's weighing her life and she's transforming into someone else and she's accepting her new identity. She'll no longer be you know the Texas girl she'll obviously be from Texas but it is the beginning of shedding all of that identity and in some ways it is the beginning of her afterlife. So in one in another way the title this would be the the afterlife of Florence and it's got a nice romantic sounding name but I don't know that's another possibility and you can parallel the entire story with an afterlife story or with the book of the dead and each spell is something you know the spells would kind of serve as a quote before each chapter I kind of like that and we'll see how it goes I'm not really sure yet but maybe anyway I'm on my street now and signing off.